Why I love my dissertation group...

[a_t_rain]

Note: Because a reasonably determined person could probably ascertain my RL identity without too much trouble, and I am unwilling to risk anybody's academic career except my own, I'm going to use code names for my fellow pieces of cannon fodder. Henceforth, they shall be known as Alpha, Bravo, and Charlie. To set the scene, Alpha (Old English lit) and Bravo (twentieth century British) have done this before; Charlie and I are both new to the job meat market, and as we are both early modernists, we are stubbornly trying to ignore the fact that we are competing against each other.

Alpha: So the academic job letter has a very precise format. There's the dissertation paragraph, and then the research paragraph, and then the teaching paragraph and the academic service paragraph...

Charlie: WHAT academic service? I haven't done any!

Me: Sure you have. I listed that annotation-of-scholarly-books project we did last year, the one that you're in charge of ... um, you are still in charge of it, right?

Charlie: You know how many annotations I got? I had your two, and one from another person, and I wrote two of them myself. That's it.

Me: So I can claim responsibility for 40% of the project? COOL! ... Er, do you mind if I describe it as "forthcoming," even though it probably ... you know ... isn't?

Charlie: Yeah, sure. [Looks at sample job letter.] So basically, there's the "Wishful Thinking" paragraph, the "I Haven't Done Shit" paragraph, the "I'm a Loser" paragraph, and the "Please, Dear God, Give Me a Job" paragraph?

Bravo: Yeah, that's about it.

Alpha: Only you want to tailor it to different schools, so for instance, if you're applying to a small college in Idaho, you probably want to say something about why you want to live in a small town in Idaho...

[There is a short moment of silence, as we all try to think of reasons why one might want to live in a small town in Idaho.]

Bravo: The "Total Bullshit" paragraph.

Me: Like, "I was in Sitka, Alaska, once*, and ever since then, I've been wondering what it would be like to spend a winter there**"? Or, "It has been my lifelong dream to bring Shakespeare to the poor, beleaguered people of Somalia?"

Alpha: There you go. I told you there was nothing to it.

So all in all, I am SO much happier about this job search business than I was on Tuesday.

* This is true.
** This is false.

Comments

[lorelei-lynn.livejournal.com]

Good luck with your job search; Mom & Dad always said small liberal arts colleges were good places to teach although the pay wasn't great. I must admit that job interviews rank below tooth extraction on my list of things I want to do. That's probably why I've been with the same company for 12 years.

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Teaching at a small liberal arts college is my dream job at the moment. (Preferably not in Middle O' Nowhere, Idaho, though. No offense to Idaho.)

I must admit that job interviews rank below tooth extraction on my list of things I want to do. That's probably why I've been with the same company for 12 years.

Yeah, that's why I went to grad school, little thinking about what awaited me on the other end. It seemed to make sense at the time...

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

I sympathise. I've written fawning application letters and greasy CVs and come away feeling that my soul has been tarnished. The awful thing is that everyone has to do this. No way out. It's part of the culture.

You'll be surprised how good you get at making yourself out to be the best person ever for X, Y or Z job. Though you may not like yourself very much once you've done.

When I take over the world, I shall commandeer a troupe of high-flying social scientists and philosophers to work out a more humane way of managing the job market.

Until then, I'm afraid you're just going to have to soldier on, and take what comfort you can from the fact that you aren't alone.

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

I sympathise. I've written fawning application letters and greasy CVs and come away feeling that my soul has been tarnished. The awful thing is that everyone has to do this. No way out. It's part of the culture.

Yep, just been doing that, and felt incredibly sleazy. And that it was completely unnecessary, and conveyed very little real information about my ability to do the job. Honestly, who is going to write “I am thoroughly unprofessional and always try to get by on just enough work not to get fired, whilst never bothering to make a decent job of something”.

Actually, given how much almost every job involves apologising/covering up for other people’s mistakes, I think that the whole job application process is really a means of finding out how high your embarrassment threshold is. If you can cope with writing x amount of bullshit with a straight face, you can probably cope with y bullshit in your daily work.

Nineveh (who quit her PhD after 5 months when she realised that however much she would like to teach in academia, she really couldn't face the process of getting there)

[krisomniac.livejournal.com]

First: HAHAHaa.

That had me giggling last night.

Second: Best of luck with the writing of many letters...

[jesspallas.livejournal.com]

Applying for a job is all about turning your life into a series of Godlike brilliances that any chronic Mary Sue would envy.

In other words, as Bravo said - Bullshit. ;)

My problem is I bullshit magnificently on paper but I fold and start babbling when interviewed. Eep...

Good luck with the search! :)

[hannahmarder.livejournal.com]

Job applications are all about writing fiction, and you are very very good at writing fiction, so you should be OK ;-) I blush horribly every time I think about the rubbish and exaggerations on my application forms. But you can bet everyone else is doing it, so it's kind of necessary! Good luck with the applications!