a_t_rain: (Default)
[personal profile] a_t_rain
In honor of my favorite werewolf's birthday, here is the beginning of the exceedingly long and silly MWPP fic that I've been letting perk for quite some time.

Title: Correspondence Course

Rating: PG-13, as future installments will contain swearing. They may or may not contain plot.

Summary: Seventeen-year-old Remus Lupin and Sirius Black get summer jobs as instructors for the Kwikspell Correspondence School of Magic.

Notes: Riffing off of J.D. Salinger's short story "De Daumier-Smith's Blue Period" as well as the works of J.K. Rowling. No disrespect is intended. Or at least not very much.



Ultimately, it was my father’s fault that I spent a considerable portion of the eighteenth summer of my life impersonating a nun.

The financial system that operated in our household when I was a teenager, I had better explain, was both exceedingly simple and exceedingly bizarre. My father, who had once taught Potions at Beauxbatons, had thrown his whole career over after I was bitten by a werewolf at the age of six, and dedicated his life to certain experiments with aconite. Now and again he tried his hand at other ventures, such as growing vegetables and raising rabbits for the pot – but he couldn’t bring himself to pull up weeds with potentially interesting properties, and nobody could bring themselves to kill the rabbits, so all we got from his efforts were a few dandelion-filled salads and the occasional bit of income from a neighbor who wanted a pet bunny. My mother, who wrote books about magical ethics, was the only member of the family who could make any claim to being a regular breadwinner. When Dad wanted money, he asked her for it – which worked out well enough, as he was an absent-minded and unworldly soul who was perfectly happy wearing the same robes year in and year out, and the only reason why he ever wanted money was to pay me for helping him out in his backyard Potions laboratory. And then, if Mum wanted to do the shopping and hadn’t been able to twist her publisher’s arm into giving her an advance, she would borrow the money from me.

Once or twice I ventured to suggest that it might simplify this whole process if I gave Dad a hand without being paid, which I was, of course, perfectly happy to do. He refused to hear of it, claiming that I was entitled to a fair wage for my work, and in any case shuffling money around in circles was the general principle on which all economic systems were based, and somehow it created wealth. I did not understand this last point, but was content to let it pass, and this eccentric but happy state of affairs continued until the Easter holidays of my sixth year at school, when Dad suddenly woke up and noticed that I was lousy at Potions, and that my friend Sirius Black was very good at them.

“I was thinking that I might hire Sirius as my laboratory assistant for the summer,” he announced at dinner one night, blithely unconscious that this would upset our entire household economy. “The boy is very bright, and he has left his family; he will have to earn a living for himself. We ought to help him.”

My mother and I looked at each other in alarm. “That’s a lovely idea, René,” Mum said at last, in her most diplomatic voice, “but I don’t think we can afford it.”

“Nonsense, Celia,” said my father. “I would pay him the same as I pay Remus; it makes no difference.”

“But when you pay Remus, we can always borrow it back at the end of the month.”

“Then we will borrow from Sirius. It makes no difference.”

We endeavored to explain that the difference between hiring an employee and paying one’s son for the same work was that one could not, in fact, ask the employee for one’s money back at the end of the month; but as my father never really seemed to grasp this point, I made a mental note to look around for a surer form of employment that summer.

***

When I saw the advertisement in the back pages of the Prophet, it seemed like a godsend.

The Kwikspell Correspondence School is looking for a few good wizards!

Have you ever thought you might have a flair for teaching? Would you like to make a little extra money, work at your own pace, and set your own hours? Do you enjoy helping others?


It took me only a moment to decide that the answer to all three of these questions was yes. I read on.

If so, you should consider becoming an instructor for the Kwikspell Correspondence School of Magic! We offer pleasant work in a flexible environment. You will teach as many or as few students as you care to take on through our All-New, Fail-Safe, Quick-Result, Easy-Learn “Conjuring by Correspondence” method! “Conjuring by Correspondence” is a unique, patented approach that gets guaranteed results! Enjoy the satisfaction of watching your students improve their performance in a matter of weeks!

We are looking for a few dynamic, personable individuals to join our team this summer. Applicants must be over seventeen and able to perform Charms, Transfiguration, and Defence Against the Dark Arts to N.E.W.T. standard.

We pay cash!

Inquiries should be directed to Roger “The Wiz” Harbottle, Seven Cleric Alley, London. Please send a letter of application describing your experience and qualifications for the position.


I considered my qualifications. I had turned seventeen in March, and while I wasn’t actually going to sit N.E.W.T.s until next year, the advertisement named three of my better subjects. I thought I was probably personable. Dynamic? I wasn’t so sure. But in any case, I was in dire need of money, and because of my condition, I also required a job where I could set my own hours and nobody would notice if I disappeared around the full moon. This one sounded perfect. Best of all, I rather liked the idea of teaching. I pictured myself offering a lifeline to some near-Squib who had almost given up hope of learning magic, or to a fellow-werewolf who had not been as lucky as I had been.

Fired up with idealistic fervor (and the promise of being paid cash), I began to compose a letter to my prospective employer.

24 April 1976

Dear Mr Harbottle,

Dear Mr “Wiz”


Dear Roger “The Wiz” Harbottle,
I am writing in response to your advertisement in the employment section of the Daily Prophet. I hope that you will consider me for the position as Correspondence School Instructor. While I have no formal teaching experience, I am a patient and adaptable person who has experience dealing with a great variety of situations. For example, I once spent an entire afternoon upside down when my friends discovered a spell called Levicorpus. For example, I tutored my friend Peter so that he passed his Defence Against the Dark Arts exam with an E, even though a month before the exam he was still getting other people’s wands lodged up his nose whenever he tried to Disarm them. I myself had an O in DADA and Es in Charms and Transfiguration. Teaching is a noble profession, and it has always been a dream of mine to have a career where I can help people realize their fullest potential. Thank you for considering my application.

Sincerely,
R. J. Lupin


“Who’re you writing to, Moony?” asked Sirius.

“Nobody. Part of the bourgeoisie. You wouldn’t be interested.”

Sirius, who had been disowned by his aristocratic parents over the Christmas holidays, was at present under the happy delusion that this made him working-class. He had taken to babbling about solidarity and reading Das Kapital in the evenings, in a facing-page translation as he was trying to teach himself German at the same time. For the past half-hour, he had been staring at the open volume of Marx without turning the page, trying manfully not to look as bored as he patently was.

“What about?”

“I’m applying for a job.”

“Capitalism is shite. You should join the revolution. What kind of a job?”

“Teaching for a correspondence course.”

“I bet I could do that. Let me see the advert.”

“I thought you were too busy joining the revolution.”

“I can’t very well unite the workers of the world if I haven’t been one first, can I?”

He had a point there, I had to admit. I handed him the paper.

“This bloke’s advertising in the Prophet, and he calls himself ‘The Wiz’? What kind of stupid nickname is that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe I should go around Hogwarts calling myself Sirius ‘The Student’ Black. To differentiate myself from all the other students.”

“Well, yes, I suppose it is a bit silly when you put it like that...”

“Or you could start calling yourself Remus ‘The Teenage Werewolf’ Lupin.”

No.

“I think you should. I mean, nobody would think you really were a teenage werewolf, because nobody expects nicknames to state the obvious. It’s the perfect cover.”

“You’re already pushing it with ‘Moony.’ Are you going to apply for that job or aren’t you?”

“Sure I’m going to apply. Just let me finish the crossword first.”

“You’re doing it upside down.”

“I like a challenge.”

24 April 1976

Dear The Wiz,
I am a young wizard of good family who has renounced his upbringing and now wishes to join the proletariat. I read in your advertisement that you are looking for workers to exploit. Exploit me, please.
Regards,
Sirius Alphard Black


“That’s the dumbest letter of application I’ve seen in my life.”

“It isn’t dumb, it’s just honest. I bet yours is full of bourgeois rot about ‘teaching is a noble profession’ and ‘helping people realize their fullest potential’. Isn’t it?”

“No,” I said, hiding my own letter with my hand.

“Is too.”

I sighed and prepared to begin yet another draft of my letter.
Page 1 of 2 << [1] [2] >>

Date: 2006-03-11 12:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jadeddiva.livejournal.com
Oh, god, I think I just snorted water through my nose. I love your wannabe-Socialist!Sirius and that letter..."Exploit me, please." This is hysterical and witty and I can't wait for the next part!

Date: 2006-03-11 12:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
I regret to say that wannabe-Socialist Sirius resembles my college-age self in several points :) Glad you're enjoying.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] jadeddiva.livejournal.com - Date: 2006-03-11 12:22 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2006-03-11 12:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gehayi.livejournal.com
I think that may be the best opening sentence I've ever read.

And this is hysterical. I've been giggling for the past ten minutes. I love Sirius's letter of application, and his trying to teach himself German while reading Das Kapital, and the financial system of the Lupin household. It's marvelous. Brilliant job.

Date: 2006-03-11 01:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
Thank you!

*snerk*

Date: 2006-03-11 12:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] neigedens.livejournal.com
...shuffling money around in circles was the general principle on which all economic systems were based, and somehow it created wealth.

Funny you should mention this, I bullshitted an entire World History essay on this the other day...

Anyway, obviously I loved it, most particularly the first part and that nice banter between Remus and Sirius.

*imagines the next chapter will have Sirius singing "Working Class Hero."*

Re: *snerk*

Date: 2006-03-11 01:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
Hmm, I'll have to see if I can work that in ...

Re: *snerk*

From: [identity profile] neigedens.livejournal.com - Date: 2006-03-11 01:33 am (UTC) - Expand

Re: *snerk*

From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com - Date: 2006-03-11 02:03 am (UTC) - Expand

Re: *snerk*

From: [identity profile] mrs-wolf.livejournal.com - Date: 2006-03-11 08:40 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2006-03-11 12:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moonythoughts.livejournal.com
I love this. You have the bast ideas for fics. Can't wait for more :)

Date: 2006-03-11 01:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
I don't know how much credit I can take for the actual idea, since it came out of an e-mail on my department listserv about a job teaching freshman comp by correspondence, and I started thinking, "Hey, what if Remus and Sirius got a job at a correspondence school?"

Then again, I'm probably the only person in the world whose mind works that way...
(deleted comment)

Date: 2006-03-11 01:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2006-03-11 12:51 am (UTC)
ext_2631: (happy || shoebox_project/sasha_davidovna)
From: [identity profile] sasha-davidovna.livejournal.com
~cackles~

Sirius's letter is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. :) Can't wait for more!

Date: 2006-03-11 01:26 am (UTC)

Date: 2006-03-11 12:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dharmavati.livejournal.com
Bwaahahahaha! This is hilarious so far! I love Marx-loving!Sirius...

Can't wait to see how this turns out!

Date: 2006-03-11 01:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
Neither can I! (Oh, wait, I'm the author, I'm not supposed to admit that, am I? Never mind.)

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] gehayi.livejournal.com - Date: 2006-03-11 01:37 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] dharmavati.livejournal.com - Date: 2006-03-11 03:05 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2006-03-11 01:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] antonia-east.livejournal.com
Oh it's Remus witty goodness. I kept cackling. I also want it to be read to me by someone with a very wry voice.

Date: 2006-03-11 01:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
Thanks, glad you're enjoying :)

Date: 2006-03-11 01:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gunderpants.livejournal.com
I'm going to pimp this. Oh god, why did I never see Sirius as the unwashed red that he is? God, this was hilarious, and I love how wonderfully you write Remus' voice. I'd love to meet your Remus: you're one of the few people who write him as being a perfectly decent and lovely person and having me believe it.

Date: 2006-03-11 02:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
Ooh, thanks for the plug!

Via theregoesyamum

Date: 2006-03-11 02:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] daniellafromage.livejournal.com
This is splendid - definitely one of the funniest things I've read recently. Your Sirius is utterly hilarious and I am consumed with envy with your writing ability.

My one complaint: too short! I'll be keeping my eye open for follow-up installments. :)

Re: Via theregoesyamum

Date: 2006-03-11 02:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
Will post more shortly, I hope. (I hate coding stuff, so LJ installments tend to be short.)

Re: Via theregoesyamum

From: [personal profile] snorkackcatcher - Date: 2006-03-11 08:20 am (UTC) - Expand

Re: Via theregoesyamum

From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com - Date: 2006-03-11 01:45 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2006-03-11 03:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] daylightsparks.livejournal.com
This is brilliant. Why have I never read any of your fics before? Was I on crack? (Don't answer that question.)

Sirius's letter reminds me of Neil from "The Young Ones" writing to the bank. "Dear fascist bully-boy: Give me some more money, you bastard..."

Date: 2006-03-11 03:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
Thanks! (Not familiar with "The Young Ones," unfortunately.)

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] chocolatebird.livejournal.com - Date: 2006-03-13 03:29 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2006-03-11 03:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lisa-ab.livejournal.com
The personalities of Sirius and Remus just work SO well together. I could honestly see these two boys/men being odd couple type friends in the manner they so often come across in fanfic as well as in JKR's story.

I beg you to let them both get the job. This should prove to be hilarious. And you know, as professor like as Remus comes across, I could really see him coming from a genius level yet utterly devoid of real world common sense father. It just fits him.

Sirius and the "revolution" is fitting as well.

I loved this.

Date: 2006-03-11 03:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
Oh, they're definitely both getting the job. Somebody else might, as well ...

(no subject)

From: [personal profile] tree_and_leaf - Date: 2006-03-11 12:02 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2006-03-11 03:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chocolatepot.livejournal.com
Man, I want to say something constructive, but that was so good that it sucked all of the constructive right out of me.

Everything Sirius was said was the best part, closely followed and often tied with Remus's dialogue and narration. :)

Date: 2006-03-11 03:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2006-03-11 04:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lareinenoire.livejournal.com
That. Was. Beautiful.

You nearly made me snort tea through my nose. And you say you can't write Sirius? Pshaw!

Date: 2006-03-11 01:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
Well, coming from someone who writes Sirius so well, that's quite a compliment. Thanks!

Date: 2006-03-11 05:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] laverinth.livejournal.com
I wanted to respond to this earlier, but I had to leave before I could. -_-

Anyway, I love this, and I demand that you continue it. Demand, I say! (Actually seeing me try to enforce this is laughable, I'll admit.)

Date: 2006-03-11 01:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
Thank you! Will definitely continue -- I've learned the hard way not to post things that might not get finished, so I waited until I was sure about this one.

Date: 2006-03-11 07:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] megaton-souffle.livejournal.com
"I bet yours is full of bourgeois rot about ‘teaching is a noble profession’ and ‘helping people realize their fullest potential’. Isn’t it?"

::spits out water::

Can I friend you? please?

Date: 2006-03-11 01:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
Sure, friend away!

Date: 2006-03-11 08:18 am (UTC)
snorkackcatcher: (Default)
From: [personal profile] snorkackcatcher
Definitely a tonic to find on a morning you have to go into work on a Saturday to do a long and tedious remote upgrade for an Eastern European client. :)

As expected when you do comedy, it's actually funny -- no, make that bloody hilarious, I was coughing with laughter from the first line. I had a vague feeling you've posted bits of this before?

Anyway, great versions of Remus and Sirius as usual, and Sirius' letter was just perfect. :)

Date: 2006-03-11 01:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
I can't remember if I've posted bits of this before -- parts of it have been sitting on my hard drive forever, so it's definitely a possibility.

Date: 2006-03-11 09:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] paulamcg.livejournal.com
Great! No matter how much I like these canon characters I seldom enjoy fics about them as teenagers. One without romance is a rare treat.

Perhaps I’d better friend you, even though someone on my f-list is likely to pimp the future installments, too. This looks promising, and I want to see if there will be a plot and a (social) theme all through. I hope we’ll see at least a bit more of the Lupin household, too. I suppose Remus’s parents are the same persons you’ve used in other fics. The characters work well here, but in case Sirius doesn’t work as a laboratory assistant, too, the opening will perhaps lose some of its purpose.

Date: 2006-03-11 01:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
I'm afraid that he is not, in fact, going to work as a laboratory assistant. Sorry. But thanks for your comments!

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com - Date: 2006-03-11 01:54 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2006-03-11 11:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dreamer-marie.livejournal.com
Have I ever told you I love you? This is just so good!

Date: 2006-03-11 01:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2006-03-11 12:01 pm (UTC)
tree_and_leaf: Watercolour of barn owl perched on post. (Default)
From: [personal profile] tree_and_leaf
Wonderful stuff!

Sirius trying to read Marx and teach himself German simultaneously killed me (I actually know someone who tried that, with Kant). I also now have a mental image of Sirius doing a Hermione and trying to sell Socialist Worker subscriptions (or buttons with pictures of Lenin on them) in Gryffindor common room...

Date: 2006-03-11 01:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
I tried it with Dante, myself (obviously I was trying to teach myself Italian, not German, but same general principle). It lasted about an hour.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] mrs-wolf.livejournal.com - Date: 2006-03-11 08:46 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2006-03-11 12:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] themolesmother.livejournal.com
More, please. SOON!!

Sirius the budding communist is so funny. I imagine the Right Hon Anthony Wedgewood Benn was probably something like this in his younger days.

Oh, and please, please, please make it Snape that gets the job too (grovels).

MM

Date: 2006-03-11 01:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
No comment on who else might or might not get the job :)

Date: 2006-03-11 02:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lls-mutant.livejournal.com
Best first line of a fic ever. :) Loving it. I'd write more, but someone is sitting in my lap and demanding attention. :)

Date: 2006-03-11 02:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
Hopefully I will get to the nun-impersonation bit eventually. (I do know where this is going, I swear, at least approximately.)

Date: 2006-03-11 03:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] maglors-finch.livejournal.com
This is hilarious, especially would-be proletarian Sirius. Please post more soon!

Date: 2006-03-12 02:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
Hope to!

Date: 2006-03-11 03:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] an-acolyte.livejournal.com
Brilliant! Your Remus voice is too charming -- he's probably a better subject for a crush than JKR's, which is saying something. I love false consciousness Sirius -- the possibilities are mind-boggling.

(And I take it no one's actually told Sirius that he could obtain decidedly less bourgeois summer employment chez Lupin?)

Date: 2006-03-12 02:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
I haven't worked out whether Sirius is going to take the Potions lab job this summer or not, so that remains to be seen. (He will be a full-time lab assistant for a while after leaving school, but he'll resign to work for the Order of the Phoenix. Rene will be forced to hire another assistant, one Damocles Belby, who will steal Rene's life's work after his death and pass it off as his own. And yes, it's rather sad that I've worked all this out and don't actually have a fic to go with it.)

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] an-acolyte.livejournal.com - Date: 2006-03-12 04:27 am (UTC) - Expand

Wonderful

Date: 2006-03-11 05:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] trackrunner237.livejournal.com
This is probably my favorite of your fics so far, simply for the way you've written Sirius. His interaction with Remus was hilarious.

Sirius wouldn't be so keen on Marx if he'd taken my Social Sciences course (with the TA who sent us all a long e-mail about proofreading, and then misspelled 'marvelous').

Thanks for yet another excellent story!

Re: Wonderful

Date: 2006-03-12 02:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-t-rain.livejournal.com
Thanks for commenting!
Page 1 of 2 << [1] [2] >>

Profile

a_t_rain: (Default)
a_t_rain

July 2025

S M T W T F S
  12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20 212223242526
2728293031  

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 23rd, 2025 01:56 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios