a_t_rain

Elements of Strunk, a predictive text rewrite of Strunk and White's The Elements of Style. (In other words, the product of a computer algorithm that analyzes the original text, predicts which words are most likely to follow which other words, and uses this information to create new sentences in the style of the original, if I'm understanding this correctly.)

The resulting rewrite consists a number of pronouncements about writing that range from the semi-sensible (Do not use italics, with their penal definiteness, that plague of English prose), to the surreal (A comma should not pay any attention to Boston), to the philosophical (Of course, to be properly enjoyed, the paragraph has to be regarded as a man whom the writer desires to tell a story).

There are bits of accidental profundity:

It is interesting to recall how much confidence is required only to be young and inexperienced.

A rule of history is that what you see in a man is usually only what he cannot see.

And there are bits that are simply glorious nonsense:

The most useful kind of paragraph is The Possessive Jesus Of Composition And Publication.

A paragraph by The Whigs Of the City is an old mansion. In the old mansion is a portrait of Benjamin Paragraph, grandson of William Word.

There are passages that hint at an intriguing story:

This is in the old days. It was forbidden to export gold to authors in a state of escape. It was forbidden to write Charles's Letter or to use a conjunction.

He could never forgive his own body for something it was forbidden to do. For this reason, he is studying French literature and other forms of escape that can sometimes be used to avoid the subject of his treachery.

And there are moments when the algorithm becomes positively threatening:

The fact that I am in the house should always be remembered if you are on the roof and if you like to use italics. If you intend to use italics with this problem of a hostile character in the house, be careful not to use them without preamble.

This sentence will probably be misused by a man who God tried to avoid making.

I really, really want somebody to write fic based on this text, although I have absolutely no idea what it would look like (and it will, therefore, need to be written by somebody who isn't me).

This is all the fault of lareinenoire, who asked whether the Friar Laurence in Two Gentlemen was the same as the one in R&J, and if so, what was he doing there. (Per the play, he was wandering in penance through the forest -- which seems to explain a remarkable number of things.)

( The Second Time as Farce )

Now that Histories Ficathon author reveals are over, I can claim credit for The Lord Who Doesn't Lie, possibly the only fic about medieval demandes d'amour games anywhere on AO3. Hotspur / Kate, mostly fluff.

So this was going to be part of one of those "five times Shakespeare's children saw one of his plays" fics, only then it started to have a sixth and seventh and eighth part, only they all remained irresolutely fragmentary, and I thought for a while I might write an actual novel about Shakespeare's family, only I don't have a plot. So. A bit of a project that may or may not go anywhere.

1616. Susanna watches Timon of Athens.

( Will )

Apparently someone decided to translate my Vorkosigan fic Cold Case into Russian. This was a complete surprise, and I'm not sure why they picked that one, since it's neither the first nor the most popular in my series of behind-the-scenes-of-ACC fics, but it is the closest thing I've ever written to M/M slash (although it's very brief, incidental, and plot-driven), so I guess that might explain it. Anyway, I'm flattered.

But OMG, reading your own stuff translated into Russian and then converted back to English via Google Translate is surreal. A sampling of my favorite lines:

The combination of Vor gentleman with a tarnished reputation, very lovely commoner and semi-legal tavern remarkable in itself, but the general weirdness going wild when the two of them were taken to view the paper of the working file.

"No, I do not Sociopath Pierre and Pierre the Hermit. I'm just a nice-Pierre Small-and-sometimes-Libertine".

And, you know, I can usually do not start to get drunk right at dawn. Despite the fact that we are with you relatives.

Well, for example, chatting with him for a while, do not be tempted to cram yourself earplugs and loyalty still humming a little song to himself ...

Always fun to see the reaction of the interlocutor, you should talk to him about bisexuality in plain text.

Yet one thing was fucking unfair to rabies.

Only seven questions in this final installment, alas, since the Numbering Genie seems to have struck again.

50) What do we know from the Plays about the private means and residence of the aunt of a young lover who came near having his head cut off?
51) Give six examples from the plays of nineteenth-twentieth century slang.
52) What character in the plays lost his head because he wrote correct Latin?
53) What character said that two potentates must be equally valiant, because they were both born by rivers in which salmon abounded?
54) What character was accused by his sister of preaching better than he practiced?
55) What character knelt before his blind father backward so as to pretend that he had grown a beard?
59) What King thrust into prison by his foes, receives a secret visit from one of his grooms, who breaks into sobs to think that the horse of which he had the care, is to be used in the triumph of former master's enemies, and what was the horse's name?

( Answers )

Thanks for the quiz, B.W.H. It was fun, if occasionally frustrating. I bet you didn't think someone would be taking it 114 years in the future. I wonder who you were.

30) Give the pleadings and arguments in the action of William Visor of Wincot, against Clement Perkes of the Hill?
31) What was the color of Orlando's hair? Who punned on his own name on his deathbed?
32) What dainties did Perdita provide for the sheep-shearing feast?
33) What was Shakespeare's favorite ballad judging from the fact that it is the one oftenest alluded to in the plays.
34) What six characters in the plays are palpably thumbnail sketches for six characters in the later ones?
35) What Scriptural story did Falstaff think fittest to be represented on tapestry?
36) What women in the plays had beards?
37) What character in the plays owed his life to his ability to write a clerky or engrossing hand?
38) What character in the plays was punished for his crimes by being buried breast deep in the earth and left to starve?
39) What character in the plays made a plume for his hat out of a pack of playing cards?

( Answers )

In which the questions range from fairly normal trivia to "Guess what B.W.H. was thinking when he wrote this."

10) What lady in the Plays gave a critical opinion on her physical attractions? How many others are there of her name in the plays?
11) What Shakespearean characters played billiards?
12) What pair of lovers in the Plays played chess?
13) What was the maiden name of Petruchio's wife?
14) What Shakespearean characters mixed their metaphors?
15) What poetry did Falstaff propose to supply a theme for?
16) What character in the Plays gives a purely fanciful definition of a Latin noun to make a point in an argument?
17) Give three examples of Shakespeare's opinion of schoolmasters?
18) Two characters in the plays are said to have been born under the influence of certain planets; and one under a constellation. Name characters and influences?
19) What animal did Shakespeare hear of being hung for killing a human being?

( My best shot at answers; some help required )

So the university library is being renovated, and all kinds of interesting things are turning up. One of the librarians called me over, in great excitement, to show me her latest discovery: a stack of early-twentieth-century volumes of a journal called New Shakespeareana.

It seems that in those days, academic journals had trivia quizzes. The editor printed a list of 59 70 questions (for some reason, #14 is followed by a second #4), sent in by one B.W.H., who notes, "Of course every one of your readers can answer all the following questions without a Bartlett Concordance, as the answers are all in the Plays." (We had better be able to do that, as the answers are not in the journal.)

For fun, I'll be posting ten questions at a time, followed by my best stab at answers under the cut -- but I can't answer them all by any means, and I'm not sure all my guesses are correct, so everyone else should feel free to jump in.

1) What was Bully Bottom's remedy for a cut finger?
2) What credentials were required of bar-tenders (tapsters) in Shakespeare's time?
3) What was Falstaff's waist measurement?
4) How many children had Mr. Justice Shallow? Give their names.
5) Who was Parson Evans' favorite poet, and favorite poem? What was Falstaff's favorite tune?
6) How did Orsino's nephew lose his leg?
7) What was Holofernes's opinion as to the value of silent letters?
8) Who made Desdemona's handkerchief? and who, according to the arrangement of plays in the First Folios, was the first married woman jealous of her husband?
9) Who had a statue of pure gold after her death?
10) How long did Leontes take to woo and win his queen?

( The Answers (I think) )

... on the burning question of "What would have happened if Macbeth had access to Vorkosiverse reproductive technology?" As you do. (No, it isn't really a crossover. It may be shamelessly self-inserty.)

Mike Adams, Justina Vorrutyer, and Wyx Hargraves, Authors of Macbeth. Makes use of places and concepts from Gentleman Jole and the Red Queen, but totally OC-centric and not otherwise spoilery.