Correspondence Course, Part Two

[a_t_rain]

Consisting mostly of letters and a very long knock-knock joke.

Part One.



“It’s Lily’s birthday on May ninth. What do you think I should get her?” James asked a couple of evenings later.

“A bunny rabbit,” I said promptly. “Or several. If you buy three of them, my parents will give you the hutch for free.”

“Will you stop trying to flog your rabbits at every possible opportunity?”

“I’m just giving you some disinterested expert advice, Prongs. Girls love bunny rabbits. They melt all over them.”

“Really?”

“I’ve never known it to fail.”

“That’s because rabbits are fertility symbols,” Peter piped up unexpectedly. “If you give Lily one, it’s like a subconscious way of telling her she wants to make babies with you.”

James looked highly alarmed at this.

I glared at Peter. “SUBconscious,” I said. “It doesn’t mean she’ll want babies at this very moment, it just means she’ll be looking at you in a different way than she was before.”

James was still looking dubious.

“If she doesn’t like it, my mum will take it back. And we’ll throw in a week’s supply of alfalfa. Haven’t you always wanted some free alfalfa?”

“Er. Not really,” said James, but I could tell he didn’t have any better ideas.

“Typical of the petit bourgeoisie,” muttered Sirius, looking up from Karl Marx unexpectedly. “They manufacture a need that doesn’t exist, and then convince you that you can’t do without it. Just another example of the – the –”

“The violence inherent in the system?” I suggested.

“Yes, exactly,” said Sirius gravely. His family had never allowed him to see Muggle films.

“Help, help!” said James as he reached for a quill. “I’m being repressed!”

26 April

Dear Mrs Lupin,
How are you? I hope you and your husband are well. I was hoping to buy a birthday present for a friend, and I was wondering if you had any baby rabbits for sale? Sirius and Peter say hello.
Cheers,
James Potter

***

27 April 1976

Dear Mr Lupin,
Thank you for your interest in the Kwikspell Correspondence School of Magic. I am pleased to inform you that we still have several openings, and we will be interviewing candidates at our premises in Cleric Alley on the 15th of May, between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. Let me know what time would work best for you.
Sincerely,
Roger “The Wiz” Harbottle

***

27 April 1976

Dear Mr Black,
Thank you for your interest in the Kwikspell Correspondence School of Magic. I am pleased to inform you that we still have several openings, and we will be interviewing candidates at our premises in Cleric Alley on the 15th of May, between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. Let me know what time would work best for you.
Sincerely,
Roger “The Wiz” Harbottle

“Er’m, Padfoot? This isn’t going to work. We’re still at school on the 15th of May.”

“Don’t worry. Leave everything to me.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I said don’t worry.”

28 April

Dear James,
It’s such a pleasure to hear from you (and Sirius and Peter). How are your classes going? In regard to your question, you’re in luck – one of our does had a litter a few weeks ago. There are four baby bunnies, and my husband and I are selling them for ten Sickles each. Of course, I always do think it is a shame to separate the brothers and sisters, so if you think your friend might like two bunnies, we’d be happy to let you have the second one for only eight Sickles.

All my best,
Celia (Please don’t call me Mrs. Lupin; you're nearly of age and it makes me feel old)

***

29 April
Dear Mrs. Lupin,

Dear Celia,

Hi,
I’ll take all four if you’ll let me have the hutch for free.
James

***

30 April
Dear James,
Fair enough. I’ll send the rabbits and the hutch right away. By the way, I do hope your friend’s parents know about this gift?

I have enclosed a week’s supply of alfalfa and some instructions for a simple birth control spell. The latter will work on all mammals, incidentally, should you have other occasions to use it.

Once again, warmest regards to all your friends, and I hope to see you this summer.
Celia

“Er’m, Moony? Does your mum mean – is she trying to say what I think she is?”

“Yes.” My mother was a petite, prematurely grey-haired woman with a gentle and deceptively old-fashioned air. She was quite a bit sharper than my father.

James whistled, and then looked as if he wasn’t entirely sure what to make of this.

1 May
Dear Professor Slughorn,
Please excuse Sirius from his classes and give him permission to leave the school grounds on the 15th. My husband and I have unexpectedly been called out of town, and we need Sirius to babysit Nymphadora.

Please excuse Remus Lupin as well. We need him to babysit Sirius.

I trust this finds you well, and I hope you enjoy the candied pineapple (enclosed).

With warmest memories,
Andromeda Black Tonks

“You’re off your head.”

“Thank you.”

“He’s not going to believe that.”

“You just don’t understand Slughorn. He’ll believe anything if it comes with candied pineapple. Trust me.”

“All right, so I don’t understand Slughorn.” This was very likely, as I had never been one of his favorites; he seemed to hold me personally responsible for my father’s retirement from the academic world. “But Andromeda’s going to kill you when she finds out you forged her signature.”

“Who says she’s going to find out?” Sirius tied the letter to the owl’s leg, leaned back, and lazily Summoned the bottle of firewhiskey he kept under the bed and two glasses. “Have some May Day cheer. To the workers of the world. May they include us so we can all throw off our chains together.”

* * *

“Oh, they’re so cute!” Lily squealed when she saw the basket of baby rabbits. “They’re adorable! I’m going to call them Ether, Samoa, Estella, and Consumption!”

We stared at her.

“It’s after a joke. Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?” asked James eagerly.

“Ether.”

“Ether who?”

“Ether Bunny.” (Groans.) “Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?” I said politely, after a short silence.

“Samoa.”

“Samoa who?”

“Samoa Ether Bunnies. Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?” asked Peter after I elbowed him in the back. Politeness was one thing; getting stuck saying “Who’s there?” all evening was another.

“Estella.”

“Estella who?”

“Estella Nother Ether Bunny. Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?” said Sirius, who for some reason appeared to have started liking this joke.

“Consumption.”

“Consumption who?”

“Consumption be done about all these Ether Bunnies?”

“That is the most annoying joke EVER,” said Sirius with the reverence of a true connoisseur. “I can’t wait to try it out on Reg ... er, on somebody. Maybe on Reg if he ever talks to me again.”

There was a short, awkward silence.

“I know a joke,” said Peter helpfully. He gave Lily a sidelong glance, as though hoping to impress her. “A troll, a hag, and a leprechaun went into a bar,” he began, and then looked blank for a moment. “Oh yeah. And then they remembered they didn’t drink, so they went to the synagogue instead.” Looking around at his audience, he registered that the joke seemed somehow incomplete. “As you do,” he added hopefully.

By this time we were all in stitches except Lily, who just looked baffled. We explained that while Peter’s jokes usually lacked anything that normal people would consider a punch line, there was usually some vein of logic deep down underneath. “It might help to know that the last time he told this joke, it was about three rabbis,” James told her.

“But three rabbis going to the synagogue isn’t a punch line either. I mean, it’s logical, but it isn’t funny.”

“Whereas a troll, a hag, and a leprechaun going to the synagogue is hilarious,” I said. “It’s a typical Peter joke. He gets everything wrong, but it’s an inspired sort of wrongness.”

“Oh,” said Lily, but she still didn’t seem to get it.

“Prongs, mate,” said Sirius solemnly, after she had left the room. “I hate to be the one to say it, but you picked a defective girl. She’s humor-impaired.”

“She is not!” said James indignantly. “She just needs – needs some time to get used to us.”

“She’s, er, going to be hanging out with us a lot, then?” Peter asked the question that had been on everyone’s mind ever since Lily had started speaking to James. He looked eager. Sirius looked dismayed.

“Yes, I think she will.”

“I might need some time to get used to her, too,” said Sirius.

James gave him a Look, and things began to get very tense indeed. Peter and I decided we were going to bed.

Comments

[heartsncraftslb.livejournal.com]

OH SWEET DIETY OF YOUR CHOICE.

Ms. Rain, my dearest, you've done it again. You've had me cracking up like mad through the whole darn thing.

The naissance of the birth control spell (bad pun, pardon me, I was repulsive), Sirius's forged letter (who in their right mind would have those two babysit?!?...oh, right, carry on), the continuation of Sirius's Marxist phase, and oh, how I adored the ending.

Keep it going, as I am enjoying this ever so much and I know that means a whole heap, but still, it's great and, as always, I salute you.

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Thanks, glad you enjoyed it!

[gioiamia.livejournal.com]

See, now I have to go whip out my copy of "Live at the Hollywood Bowl" to see Karl Marx's shining moments.

Brilliant job!

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[neigedens.livejournal.com]

After the Rain, you have finally embraced the Absolutely No Plot School of Fanfic and I love it. It's darling. :) Not that I don't like all your very well-plotted fics, but this one is so funny and kind of random. It's great.

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

I swear, there will be plot. Kind of. Eventually :)

[megaton-souffle.livejournal.com]

“Oh, they’re so cute!” Lily squealed when she saw the basket of baby rabbits. “They’re adorable! I’m going to call them Ether, Samoa, Estella, and Consumption!”

::dieded:: Are you sure she's not related to Andromeda?

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Well, her parents did think "Petunia" would be a good name, and Petunia apparently thought "Dudley" would...

[persephone-kore.livejournal.com]

I suspect this wasn't intentional, as it doesn't seem to have affected any previous commenters and actually didn't get me until I was rereading a bit and scrolled too fast, but I thought you'd like to know that I briefly read Peter's previous punch line as involving three rabbits.

I adore the forged note. "We need Remus to babysit Sirius." The whole thing has that sort of logic to it that almost works, and in the wizarding world just might.

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Well, that's the problem with having rabbits and rabbis in the same post, I'm afraid. Oh dear.

[loquacious-duck.livejournal.com]

I would quote some especially lovely part of this, but cannot stop laughing for long enough to choose one - brilliant, as seems to be your usual. ("And off to the galleys with you to write more!") Thanks very much, this was awesome!

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[(Anonymous)]

Oh my. This is sublimely silly.

Please tell me the knock knock joke isn't based in reality.

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Heh, that was one of my favorite jokes when I was a kid.

[paulamcg.livejournal.com]

It’s interesting how Marauder comedy doesn’t require any description – or even a word referring to the setting or any character’s position or activity in it as a piece of material for mental images. We are all supposed to have our permanent ideas of these guys in their dorm. Perhaps description would only disturb these preconceptions. Or perhaps this is a general feature of comic fiction.

As if I hadn’t remembered that this had been written by a renowned author like you, I returned to check if there was a consistent perspective. Deviations usually stop me immediately, but after reading this piece through once I didn’t feel I’d shared any experiences with any Marauder specifically. I was actually surprised when the first “I said” reminded me that you were using Remus’s narrative voice.

It is wonderful that you have now included both Peter and James, as well as Lily, too. Besides, I’m happy you immediately continued with a reference to the Lupins’ livelihood. You actually, in an understated way, made it touching that Remus had to flog his family’s rabbits. It seems you can keep the purpose of the opening even in case Sirius doesn’t end up as a lab assistant this summer.

Oh yes, I like the way in which you anchored the story to a specific time. The dates had multiple purposes as you could let Sirius celebrate the first of May.

But I wonder why the only description of a character’s looks was Remus thinking of her mother's size and hair-colour. Why would he do that, and why would we need that information now that we had already met her in the first installment of the story?

I could as well have said this was great and silly and I enjoyed it, but I ended up babbling while trying to make a phone call to make an appointment to see a dentist.

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

But I wonder why the only description of a character’s looks was Remus thinking of her mother's size and hair-colour. Why would he do that, and why would we need that information now that we had already met her in the first installment of the story?

Well, I was going for "she gives the impression of being very prim and proper" without actually saying so in as many words, but maybe it didn't work properly. Hmm. (And I see I'm terrible at describing settings, as usual. Thanks for flagging that.)

Thank you for your (extensive) comments!

[eccentricpirate.livejournal.com]

That was brilliant. That Andromeda needs Remus to babysit Sirius, while Sirius babysits Nymphadora is actually very sound logic, and even Minerva would agree that it makes more sense than leaving Sirius alone with a small child. This is, I again say, brilliant as are all of your other fics.

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Minerva would probably say, "Well, why didn't you ask someone who isn't Sirius in the first place?" but fortunately, she's not going to find out about this note :)

[themolesmother.livejournal.com]

"Help, help - I'm being repressed!!"

Wonderful. Monty Python is true Marauder humour. Sirius's cluelessness about the whole thing makes it even funnier.

Betcha can't work in a Life of Brian joke, though :-)

MM

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

You're probably right, unfortunately :)

[gunderpants.livejournal.com]

My tummy hurts now. Mainly because of Remus' half-arsed attempt to flog rabbits and Sirius' stellar letter writing skills. Thank you. Another pimp.

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[lls-mutant.livejournal.com]

Okay, this time I don't have a baby in my lap so I can type with both hands.

I am LOVING this- this is hysterical. True MWPP humor (which a few R/S writers could take a lesson, from, thank you very much) that's also true boy humor. Peter's joke (and lack of a punchline) is just inspired, and Lily and Sirius's connection over one of the worst jokes in history is hysterical.

And from the last part, can I just say THANK YOU for making Sirius so freaking intelligent? Yes, teaching himself German is something Sirius would do. He's SMART, people. INSANELY smart. (Although my Sirius only seems to teach himself the curse words, but what are you going to do?)

It's always fascinating to me to see different takes on the Lupin parents, as well. This is one I haven't seen before, where Mrs. Lupin clearly wears the pants, especially financially. I like it, especially in regards to the romance Remus ends up getting into in canon. (They always say guys fall for girls like their mother.)

Wonderful stuff!

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

It's always fascinating to me to see different takes on the Lupin parents, as well. This is one I haven't seen before, where Mrs. Lupin clearly wears the pants, especially financially. I like it, especially in regards to the romance Remus ends up getting into in canon. (They always say guys fall for girls like their mother.)

The Lupin parents have been lurking in the back of my head for quite some time -- in fact, they were some of my first OCs. I'd say Celia is more like Remus than Tonks, though I can sort of see where you're coming from.

And yes, of course Sirius is insanely smart. McGonagall says so, and since when does McGonagall give compliments lightly?

[snorkackcatcher]

Continued hilarity. So Remus has a whole bunch of furry little problems then, eh? ;)

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Yes, indeed! I decided the Lupins were going to raise rabbits before HBP came out, so that line was definitely a nice little bonus (and it will work its way into the story a bit later).

[koloagirl.livejournal.com]

The letters flying back and forth are priceless :) Definitely enjoying the read! Will comment more when the brain's become un-stuck :D

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[alexia75.livejournal.com]

Oh the fabulosity! Here, have all my future children. Take them all!

PS. I tell jokes like Peter's. Oh dear.

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

:: looks at future children :: Um, thanks. I think.

[jadeddiva.livejournal.com]

Oh god, your Marxist!Sirius is fabulous because it's so original and yet somehow, so fitting teenage Sirius. I just wrote a horrible essay and after reading this, I feel much better. Yay! I can't wait for the next part!

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

I think you've just characterised Slughorn to a T - more please! (Though British rabbits don't eat alfalfa, a mysterious substance that I have encountered only in US children's books and never looked up, but hay, rabbit food, and whatever edible weeds are currently threatening to take over teh back garden).

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Oh dear, thanks for the Britpick. Hay it shall be when I send this off to FA.

[daniellafromage.livejournal.com]

Oh, God. This is brilliant - I especially love Lily telling knock-knock jokes. I can see that I'm going to have to friend you!

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Ooh, new friends! Thanks!

[happyreaper.livejournal.com]

Kudos to you for writing good, enjoyable MWPP fic! Love the levity. I've recced this already, and am now off to friend you and wait for the next part.

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Ooh, thanks for reccing!

[tree_and_leaf]

Fantastic.

I wish I could think of something more intelligent to say, but all my brain cells are currently needed for attempting to read 13th C Latin....

Am now wondering if the hag, the troll and the leprechaun is a standard set up of wizarding jokes (like the Irishman, the Englishman and the Scotsman)? It would seem fitting, somehow.

[tree_and_leaf]

And I like Lily's sense of humour; although we don't see much of her, other than Martyr!Lily, dying for her son, given what the friends of the man she married are like, it seems right.

[mrs-wolf.livejournal.com]

I think this is my second favorite of yours so far (Running Close to the Ground being first and Icarus being third.)

I love your addition of Lily (it's one of the reasons I liked Icarus so much, besides the fact that it was hilarious.) Lily is usually ficced so two-dimensionally that she's kind of boring to read. I guess it's not that surprising considering her job in the books is to be dead and perfect. I'm always trying to write her and failing.

I really liked the way you created the awkwardness between the five. Bad jokes, Peter trying to impress Lily, Sirius being an idiot, James in love and Remus as narrator and the perfect observer because he's so darned together.

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Well, as I said above, I figure Lily has to have had a fair bit of personality for Slughorn to gush about her cheekiness and Petunia to complain about the pockets full of frogspawn and teacups getting turned into rats :)

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

Delightful. (will keep review short tonight as I'm desperate to log off and get some rest - but promise to be more gushing in your next installment - as it deserves it).

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[aome.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHA at the forged note. Also the adorably lame knock-knock jokes. And the Monty Python references. And, you know, the correspondence. You rock.

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[moonythoughts.livejournal.com]

I'm loving this story :)

[a-t-rain.livejournal.com]

Glad you're enjoying it!