Correspondence Course, Part Two
Mar. 12th, 2006 09:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
a_t_rainConsisting mostly of letters and a very long knock-knock joke.
Part One.
“It’s Lily’s birthday on May ninth. What do you think I should get her?” James asked a couple of evenings later.
“A bunny rabbit,” I said promptly. “Or several. If you buy three of them, my parents will give you the hutch for free.”
“Will you stop trying to flog your rabbits at every possible opportunity?”
“I’m just giving you some disinterested expert advice, Prongs. Girls love bunny rabbits. They melt all over them.”
“Really?”
“I’ve never known it to fail.”
“That’s because rabbits are fertility symbols,” Peter piped up unexpectedly. “If you give Lily one, it’s like a subconscious way of telling her she wants to make babies with you.”
James looked highly alarmed at this.
I glared at Peter. “SUBconscious,” I said. “It doesn’t mean she’ll want babies at this very moment, it just means she’ll be looking at you in a different way than she was before.”
James was still looking dubious.
“If she doesn’t like it, my mum will take it back. And we’ll throw in a week’s supply of alfalfa. Haven’t you always wanted some free alfalfa?”
“Er. Not really,” said James, but I could tell he didn’t have any better ideas.
“Typical of the petit bourgeoisie,” muttered Sirius, looking up from Karl Marx unexpectedly. “They manufacture a need that doesn’t exist, and then convince you that you can’t do without it. Just another example of the – the –”
“The violence inherent in the system?” I suggested.
“Yes, exactly,” said Sirius gravely. His family had never allowed him to see Muggle films.
“Help, help!” said James as he reached for a quill. “I’m being repressed!”
26 April
Dear Mrs Lupin,
How are you? I hope you and your husband are well. I was hoping to buy a birthday present for a friend, and I was wondering if you had any baby rabbits for sale? Sirius and Peter say hello.
Cheers,
James Potter
***
27 April 1976
Dear Mr Lupin,
Thank you for your interest in the Kwikspell Correspondence School of Magic. I am pleased to inform you that we still have several openings, and we will be interviewing candidates at our premises in Cleric Alley on the 15th of May, between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. Let me know what time would work best for you.
Sincerely,
Roger “The Wiz” Harbottle
***
27 April 1976
Dear Mr Black,
Thank you for your interest in the Kwikspell Correspondence School of Magic. I am pleased to inform you that we still have several openings, and we will be interviewing candidates at our premises in Cleric Alley on the 15th of May, between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. Let me know what time would work best for you.
Sincerely,
Roger “The Wiz” Harbottle
“Er’m, Padfoot? This isn’t going to work. We’re still at school on the 15th of May.”
“Don’t worry. Leave everything to me.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I said don’t worry.”
28 April
Dear James,
It’s such a pleasure to hear from you (and Sirius and Peter). How are your classes going? In regard to your question, you’re in luck – one of our does had a litter a few weeks ago. There are four baby bunnies, and my husband and I are selling them for ten Sickles each. Of course, I always do think it is a shame to separate the brothers and sisters, so if you think your friend might like two bunnies, we’d be happy to let you have the second one for only eight Sickles.
All my best,
Celia (Please don’t call me Mrs. Lupin; you're nearly of age and it makes me feel old)
***
29 April
Dear Mrs. Lupin,
Dear Celia,
Hi,
I’ll take all four if you’ll let me have the hutch for free.
James
***
30 April
Dear James,
Fair enough. I’ll send the rabbits and the hutch right away. By the way, I do hope your friend’s parents know about this gift?
I have enclosed a week’s supply of alfalfa and some instructions for a simple birth control spell. The latter will work on all mammals, incidentally, should you have other occasions to use it.
Once again, warmest regards to all your friends, and I hope to see you this summer.
Celia
“Er’m, Moony? Does your mum mean – is she trying to say what I think she is?”
“Yes.” My mother was a petite, prematurely grey-haired woman with a gentle and deceptively old-fashioned air. She was quite a bit sharper than my father.
James whistled, and then looked as if he wasn’t entirely sure what to make of this.
1 May
Dear Professor Slughorn,
Please excuse Sirius from his classes and give him permission to leave the school grounds on the 15th. My husband and I have unexpectedly been called out of town, and we need Sirius to babysit Nymphadora.
Please excuse Remus Lupin as well. We need him to babysit Sirius.
I trust this finds you well, and I hope you enjoy the candied pineapple (enclosed).
With warmest memories,
Andromeda Black Tonks
“You’re off your head.”
“Thank you.”
“He’s not going to believe that.”
“You just don’t understand Slughorn. He’ll believe anything if it comes with candied pineapple. Trust me.”
“All right, so I don’t understand Slughorn.” This was very likely, as I had never been one of his favorites; he seemed to hold me personally responsible for my father’s retirement from the academic world. “But Andromeda’s going to kill you when she finds out you forged her signature.”
“Who says she’s going to find out?” Sirius tied the letter to the owl’s leg, leaned back, and lazily Summoned the bottle of firewhiskey he kept under the bed and two glasses. “Have some May Day cheer. To the workers of the world. May they include us so we can all throw off our chains together.”
* * *
“Oh, they’re so cute!” Lily squealed when she saw the basket of baby rabbits. “They’re adorable! I’m going to call them Ether, Samoa, Estella, and Consumption!”
We stared at her.
“It’s after a joke. Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?” asked James eagerly.
“Ether.”
“Ether who?”
“Ether Bunny.” (Groans.) “Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?” I said politely, after a short silence.
“Samoa.”
“Samoa who?”
“Samoa Ether Bunnies. Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?” asked Peter after I elbowed him in the back. Politeness was one thing; getting stuck saying “Who’s there?” all evening was another.
“Estella.”
“Estella who?”
“Estella Nother Ether Bunny. Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?” said Sirius, who for some reason appeared to have started liking this joke.
“Consumption.”
“Consumption who?”
“Consumption be done about all these Ether Bunnies?”
“That is the most annoying joke EVER,” said Sirius with the reverence of a true connoisseur. “I can’t wait to try it out on Reg ... er, on somebody. Maybe on Reg if he ever talks to me again.”
There was a short, awkward silence.
“I know a joke,” said Peter helpfully. He gave Lily a sidelong glance, as though hoping to impress her. “A troll, a hag, and a leprechaun went into a bar,” he began, and then looked blank for a moment. “Oh yeah. And then they remembered they didn’t drink, so they went to the synagogue instead.” Looking around at his audience, he registered that the joke seemed somehow incomplete. “As you do,” he added hopefully.
By this time we were all in stitches except Lily, who just looked baffled. We explained that while Peter’s jokes usually lacked anything that normal people would consider a punch line, there was usually some vein of logic deep down underneath. “It might help to know that the last time he told this joke, it was about three rabbis,” James told her.
“But three rabbis going to the synagogue isn’t a punch line either. I mean, it’s logical, but it isn’t funny.”
“Whereas a troll, a hag, and a leprechaun going to the synagogue is hilarious,” I said. “It’s a typical Peter joke. He gets everything wrong, but it’s an inspired sort of wrongness.”
“Oh,” said Lily, but she still didn’t seem to get it.
“Prongs, mate,” said Sirius solemnly, after she had left the room. “I hate to be the one to say it, but you picked a defective girl. She’s humor-impaired.”
“She is not!” said James indignantly. “She just needs – needs some time to get used to us.”
“She’s, er, going to be hanging out with us a lot, then?” Peter asked the question that had been on everyone’s mind ever since Lily had started speaking to James. He looked eager. Sirius looked dismayed.
“Yes, I think she will.”
“I might need some time to get used to her, too,” said Sirius.
James gave him a Look, and things began to get very tense indeed. Peter and I decided we were going to bed.
Part One.
“It’s Lily’s birthday on May ninth. What do you think I should get her?” James asked a couple of evenings later.
“A bunny rabbit,” I said promptly. “Or several. If you buy three of them, my parents will give you the hutch for free.”
“Will you stop trying to flog your rabbits at every possible opportunity?”
“I’m just giving you some disinterested expert advice, Prongs. Girls love bunny rabbits. They melt all over them.”
“Really?”
“I’ve never known it to fail.”
“That’s because rabbits are fertility symbols,” Peter piped up unexpectedly. “If you give Lily one, it’s like a subconscious way of telling her she wants to make babies with you.”
James looked highly alarmed at this.
I glared at Peter. “SUBconscious,” I said. “It doesn’t mean she’ll want babies at this very moment, it just means she’ll be looking at you in a different way than she was before.”
James was still looking dubious.
“If she doesn’t like it, my mum will take it back. And we’ll throw in a week’s supply of alfalfa. Haven’t you always wanted some free alfalfa?”
“Er. Not really,” said James, but I could tell he didn’t have any better ideas.
“Typical of the petit bourgeoisie,” muttered Sirius, looking up from Karl Marx unexpectedly. “They manufacture a need that doesn’t exist, and then convince you that you can’t do without it. Just another example of the – the –”
“The violence inherent in the system?” I suggested.
“Yes, exactly,” said Sirius gravely. His family had never allowed him to see Muggle films.
“Help, help!” said James as he reached for a quill. “I’m being repressed!”
26 April
Dear Mrs Lupin,
How are you? I hope you and your husband are well. I was hoping to buy a birthday present for a friend, and I was wondering if you had any baby rabbits for sale? Sirius and Peter say hello.
Cheers,
James Potter
***
27 April 1976
Dear Mr Lupin,
Thank you for your interest in the Kwikspell Correspondence School of Magic. I am pleased to inform you that we still have several openings, and we will be interviewing candidates at our premises in Cleric Alley on the 15th of May, between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. Let me know what time would work best for you.
Sincerely,
Roger “The Wiz” Harbottle
***
27 April 1976
Dear Mr Black,
Thank you for your interest in the Kwikspell Correspondence School of Magic. I am pleased to inform you that we still have several openings, and we will be interviewing candidates at our premises in Cleric Alley on the 15th of May, between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. Let me know what time would work best for you.
Sincerely,
Roger “The Wiz” Harbottle
“Er’m, Padfoot? This isn’t going to work. We’re still at school on the 15th of May.”
“Don’t worry. Leave everything to me.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I said don’t worry.”
28 April
Dear James,
It’s such a pleasure to hear from you (and Sirius and Peter). How are your classes going? In regard to your question, you’re in luck – one of our does had a litter a few weeks ago. There are four baby bunnies, and my husband and I are selling them for ten Sickles each. Of course, I always do think it is a shame to separate the brothers and sisters, so if you think your friend might like two bunnies, we’d be happy to let you have the second one for only eight Sickles.
All my best,
Celia (Please don’t call me Mrs. Lupin; you're nearly of age and it makes me feel old)
***
29 April
Dear Celia,
Hi,
I’ll take all four if you’ll let me have the hutch for free.
James
***
30 April
Dear James,
Fair enough. I’ll send the rabbits and the hutch right away. By the way, I do hope your friend’s parents know about this gift?
I have enclosed a week’s supply of alfalfa and some instructions for a simple birth control spell. The latter will work on all mammals, incidentally, should you have other occasions to use it.
Once again, warmest regards to all your friends, and I hope to see you this summer.
Celia
“Er’m, Moony? Does your mum mean – is she trying to say what I think she is?”
“Yes.” My mother was a petite, prematurely grey-haired woman with a gentle and deceptively old-fashioned air. She was quite a bit sharper than my father.
James whistled, and then looked as if he wasn’t entirely sure what to make of this.
1 May
Dear Professor Slughorn,
Please excuse Sirius from his classes and give him permission to leave the school grounds on the 15th. My husband and I have unexpectedly been called out of town, and we need Sirius to babysit Nymphadora.
Please excuse Remus Lupin as well. We need him to babysit Sirius.
I trust this finds you well, and I hope you enjoy the candied pineapple (enclosed).
With warmest memories,
Andromeda Black Tonks
“You’re off your head.”
“Thank you.”
“He’s not going to believe that.”
“You just don’t understand Slughorn. He’ll believe anything if it comes with candied pineapple. Trust me.”
“All right, so I don’t understand Slughorn.” This was very likely, as I had never been one of his favorites; he seemed to hold me personally responsible for my father’s retirement from the academic world. “But Andromeda’s going to kill you when she finds out you forged her signature.”
“Who says she’s going to find out?” Sirius tied the letter to the owl’s leg, leaned back, and lazily Summoned the bottle of firewhiskey he kept under the bed and two glasses. “Have some May Day cheer. To the workers of the world. May they include us so we can all throw off our chains together.”
* * *
“Oh, they’re so cute!” Lily squealed when she saw the basket of baby rabbits. “They’re adorable! I’m going to call them Ether, Samoa, Estella, and Consumption!”
We stared at her.
“It’s after a joke. Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?” asked James eagerly.
“Ether.”
“Ether who?”
“Ether Bunny.” (Groans.) “Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?” I said politely, after a short silence.
“Samoa.”
“Samoa who?”
“Samoa Ether Bunnies. Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?” asked Peter after I elbowed him in the back. Politeness was one thing; getting stuck saying “Who’s there?” all evening was another.
“Estella.”
“Estella who?”
“Estella Nother Ether Bunny. Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?” said Sirius, who for some reason appeared to have started liking this joke.
“Consumption.”
“Consumption who?”
“Consumption be done about all these Ether Bunnies?”
“That is the most annoying joke EVER,” said Sirius with the reverence of a true connoisseur. “I can’t wait to try it out on Reg ... er, on somebody. Maybe on Reg if he ever talks to me again.”
There was a short, awkward silence.
“I know a joke,” said Peter helpfully. He gave Lily a sidelong glance, as though hoping to impress her. “A troll, a hag, and a leprechaun went into a bar,” he began, and then looked blank for a moment. “Oh yeah. And then they remembered they didn’t drink, so they went to the synagogue instead.” Looking around at his audience, he registered that the joke seemed somehow incomplete. “As you do,” he added hopefully.
By this time we were all in stitches except Lily, who just looked baffled. We explained that while Peter’s jokes usually lacked anything that normal people would consider a punch line, there was usually some vein of logic deep down underneath. “It might help to know that the last time he told this joke, it was about three rabbis,” James told her.
“But three rabbis going to the synagogue isn’t a punch line either. I mean, it’s logical, but it isn’t funny.”
“Whereas a troll, a hag, and a leprechaun going to the synagogue is hilarious,” I said. “It’s a typical Peter joke. He gets everything wrong, but it’s an inspired sort of wrongness.”
“Oh,” said Lily, but she still didn’t seem to get it.
“Prongs, mate,” said Sirius solemnly, after she had left the room. “I hate to be the one to say it, but you picked a defective girl. She’s humor-impaired.”
“She is not!” said James indignantly. “She just needs – needs some time to get used to us.”
“She’s, er, going to be hanging out with us a lot, then?” Peter asked the question that had been on everyone’s mind ever since Lily had started speaking to James. He looked eager. Sirius looked dismayed.
“Yes, I think she will.”
“I might need some time to get used to her, too,” said Sirius.
James gave him a Look, and things began to get very tense indeed. Peter and I decided we were going to bed.
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Date: 2006-03-13 10:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-13 10:53 pm (UTC)